I never thought this day would come. I really don’t. Maybe I had thought at some point, we will, but I never thought I’d feel this way. It hurts. As much as I know it hurts me, I know it hurts you more. For all the things I did, for all the lies I said. I was the one to blamed. I know that now.
“Why are you with this guy?”
For the longest time I thought of this. But for every time, I couldn’t. I thought of what we had gone through, for every single time I couldn’t. You were always there for me at my lowest point. But I don’t. I seem to do, but I didn’t. I did the most horrible thing I could do to you. At your lowest point, I left you. I left you alone, even though I should be there. I should be with you, like you did to me. I do wish I didn’t do all that, but I did.
If I knew you had thought of settling down a family with me, I’ll never do these. I always jokingly asked you if you would, and you never said that you will. It took you three years to actually having the thought, and I killed it all. I betrayed you and all your feelings. Maybe I thought I didn’t, but it did to you. I wish I didn’t. I should have listened. I should have pay more attention.
But it’s all to late now. I can never go back and erase all my mistakes. I would if I could, but that’s a fantasy. Life is not film where you can rewind all your mistakes. Life goes on. So, I will have to live with it, regardless how I feel. All I know, the mistakes from the past will haunt me. Because it’s not just you alone. Everyone and every single thing I did will.
All the thoughts I have at the moment are scary. Will I able to go on with my life? If I do, all these will always be in my memories. I guess I could say I fuck myself up. You and all will always be remembered. And this would be a lesson for me. A lesson with a huge price to pay. A price of you. But I’ll respect your decision. I’ll deal with it. You have life to go on to, and I’ll never be part of it. Maybe I will have mine too, someday.
For all the things I did, I am really sorry. I’ll always love you and cherish you, forever and always.